i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
