At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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