His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo