I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian