the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
my liver is dry heaving
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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