You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
