a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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