Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
