I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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