even my farts smell like vagina
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
