Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
