so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
