My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She told me I should be a condom model.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
