I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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