So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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