just come out here and I will go home with you...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
