Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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