apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is Oprah even human
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
