I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
