I CAN MOONWALK!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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