I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
