Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
