I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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