I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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