They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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