I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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