Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
