i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm really busy with my period
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