My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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