i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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