i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
