I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
