i don't really know how much tequila is too much
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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