Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
