I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think my moral compass just broke
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
