Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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