We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
