I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i drank out of a bidet.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
