You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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