My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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