My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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