Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
