Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
