I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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