OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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