i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
