if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
