It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
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she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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