Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
