The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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