I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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