yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
