I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
