He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
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That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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