My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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