Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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