I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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