and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
