I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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